I have a crush on a girl called London

the duality of beautiful city / ugly city

Last week I was sitting outside my local pub with a close friend. As I watched him smoke and waited for the thunderstorm forecasted to start that night I started to feel existential (which is a weekly routine at this point).
”Do you like London”
”I love it. I don’t think I could be anywhere else”
”Don’t you miss the stars?” I asked.
I looked up at the starless sky on this little street corner I found myself returning to often and fondly. I grew up in the outskirts of London but spent what felt like an eternity in a seaside town.
”I miss the stars, but I know that they’re still there” he answered after a few moments.

I hope he knows that I think about that every night when I walk to and from countless bus stops and tube stations looking up at the empty sky wistfully. I have never felt more at home anywhere in the world than this incredibly transient city and I’ve been many places. Nowhere is London.

Of course it’s ugly at times, it can be expensive, crime rates are high and the government suck. That doesn’t change the fact that my community is here. I can be anyone here and no one will judge me in the same way they do elsewhere.

Ok so maybe I have a crush. Maybe it will wear off. I think about what London would say back to me if she could speak. To me she is a young girl full of angst. What I imagine she would say isn’t too far from this Disco Elysium quote.

MY HEART IS THE WIND CORRIDOR. THE BOTTOM OF MY AIR IS RED. I HAVE A HUNDRED THOUSAND LUMINOUS ARMS. COME MORNING, I CARRY INDUSTRIAL DUST AND LET IT SETTLE ON TREE LEAVES. I SHAKE THE DUST FROM THOSE LEAVES AND ONTO YOUR COAT. I'VE SEEN YOU, I'VE SEEN YOU! I'VE SEEN YOU WITH HER — AND I'VE SEEN YOU WITHOUT HER. I'VE SEEN YOU ON THE CRESCENT OF THE HILL…

YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE HIDDEN PLACES. YOU ALSO CIRCULATE AMONG THOSE WHO ARE HIDDEN. I NEED YOU. YOU CAN KEEP ME ON THIS EARTH. BE VIGILANT. I LOVE YOU.

So this is my letter back to her.

maybe it’s not the city i’m in love with
but rather the people in it
and maybe this isn’t the best i’ve been because of any new year’s resolutions but because last christmas me and death flirted like we are now
lips brushing against the nape of the neck
hushed whispers secrets confessed nervous laughter
maybe it’s not the person you perform that i'm in awe of but the person who doesn’t 
i lean my full body weight into you while drunk 
and i lean my whole self into you while sober 
without any of the ribbons
because i keep thinking that i'll catch you out 
that you’re not actually as kind, attentive or as passionate as i’ve made you out to be but that you’re actually secretly cruel
then you prove me wrong again and again and again
because not only do i look at you and feel the soft warmth of whiskey so deep down in my chest that it could be nested behind my heart 
but i also look at you and see someone i could love